Mother Crab

Today felt like a long day. I felt mentally and physically drained without good reason. Selfish and spiritually clouded. Acting as only a barking referee most of the day. And instead of building up, I tore down.

Once the boys were to bed, I was able to have some time in my little corner. Reading corner…Quiet area…snuggle spot…all of the above. I read aloud from my Bible. Thought, struggled, prayed, and found myself in need of repentance as I reflected on the day. How quickly I default to everything being about me. Like when the boys are fighting, I yell something hypocritical like “SPEAK LOVINGLY TO YOUR BROTHER!!!” because I am so annoyed that I have chosen to lose control over my own tone of voice. I am like Aesop’s mother crab telling her son to walk a straight path when she herself walks sideways.

But how good the Lord is to me. After time with him I later find that I am refreshed, strengthened, and excited to love my children tomorrow. Hopeful that I can love them better, and eager to show them a repentant heart in hopes that I may keep theirs.

Giving Flight to My Internal Reflections

One morning I watched a bird who flew against the wind. Over and over again, he would try. Over and over again, beating his wings in vain. All his efforts rendered him stagnant and immovable, a bird suspended mid-air, but then submitting to the wind he sailed free.

“Sometimes the only way to return is to go where the winds will take you” I can hear the words from Josh Garrel’s Beyond the Blue singing to my soul.

I feel almost as if I am learning a new language, and lately God has been using the birds to teach it to me. Like the owl who visits our few trees and faithfully calls each night without receiving any answers. I have found strange comfort in his presence and solitude. And yet again, renewed hope in the beauty of the waiting. And learning, though slowly, how “to let go of all we cannot hold on to, for the hope beyond the blue.”

Beyond the Blue – Josh Garrels

Dry places and whisperings

I have an old sweatshirt that says “healing comes to the broken places first”. The cracks on my dry knuckles like the cracks of this spiritual desert we’re in. I suppose this is a pretty broken place, so therefore, a good place to begin if the statement is true.

A friend recently reminded me that Jesus was lead, by the spirit, into the wilderness to be tempted by Satan. That was comforting too, remembering that Jesus himself can relate to me in this journey. Just as I feel like God has brought us out to this desert land, he also lead his own son into difficult places. Even to a horrible death where Jesus felt his father turn his face away.

While deserts, difficulties, and reflections on the crucifixion don’t exactly sound comforting, I hear a faint message of hope whispering. Perhaps my heart is in training to learn how to hear it and remember that there is greater purpose in the struggle.

Books, People, and Jesus

I am thankful that Jesus keeps knocking people off pedestals in my heart. It’s so easy to put people there. Pastors, authors, musicians. I am so quick to cling to someone else’s way of life, or way of thinking. And I have lately found myself asking, why do I not cling like that to Jesus? This continues to be a strange, wonderful, and also heart wrenching journey.

Last summer, after leaving the church we attended, we started reading the book Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola and George Barna. We don’t agree with all of it, but a lot of it hit home for us regarding our struggles with the church as an institution. But recently, God has been causing us to take a little break from reading it. We will likely continue at some point, but hopefully with continually renewed eyes.

It has been beneficial in many ways for us, and has caused us to be in God’s word more. But on the other hand, I have found myself feeling a bit hopeless. More specifically I feel like I’ve lost hope in people. Yes, I do know we are all truly flawed and selfish, but deep down, I truly love people. I value faithful relationships. I love meeting new friends, chatting with people at the store, hearing someone’s story through music or books. I think God has created people to be fascinating creatures. And I don’t like that I’ve lost some of that enjoyment of people.

While taking a break from that book, I also started reading Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge. (A friend recommended it, and I also seriously cannot just read one book at a time! I really enjoy having a few books to choose from.) And while I don’t necessarily agree with everything the author presents, I do think this has been a good book for me to read in this season of life. It gave me some hope again. It opened up my heart again to the closeness of Jesus. I forget that he was fully human. And remembering his humanness has helped me love him more. He left Heaven to live among us. It really is mind-boggling.

Beautiful Outlaw has also reminded me of how much Jesus loves us. Each and every one of us. And he speaks to each of us in unique ways. In just the past few years I have experienced more of him, more personally and more “in my heart” I guess you could say. Experiencing his presence in ways that are so specific and unique to who I am. Because of this, I am growing in my appreciation of the ways that others have experienced him. A few years prior, I would have thought some of it was crazy, but now I am excited and intrigued. Perhaps someday I will share with you some of those experiences I’ve had.

Thanks for listening. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences as well!

Thankful for the Gift of Words

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Enjoy this beautiful spoken word piece by Simply, Feli. Came across her blog a few months ago, and have been blessed by her gift of poetry. Visit her blog and take a listen to this poem titled “As Pen Meets Paper”